Weight Loss Surgery is not easy. There. I said it and it’s true. I think that I’ve glossed over a lot of things in writing about surgery and what it’s like to be a fat person. I don’t do that for any real reason other than I like not to make myself the spokesperson for something that so many people feel wildly passionate about.

Not until I was at my fattest right before surgery did I really start to step back and see things for what they were. To really have to take an inventory of your life and see it for what it is, is a really difficult thing to do. People laughed and made jokes, sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to be offered a chair with no arms in a restaurant because you won’t fit into a “regular” chair.

When I walked into a room, I immediately sized up where I was going to sit to be the most comfortable and to ensure that I wouldn’t break anything. I always looked to see if there was someone as fat as I was, and mostly there wasn’t.  While I think that I’m pretty well-adjusted, being that person can be isolating. It’s one of these things is not like the other magnified because I’m wearing all of my faults and my problems for the world to see.

These are the kinds of things that I dealt with every single day of my very fat life. Over time, I learned to internalize and deal with them, because they were/are my own issues and no one else’s. And look, I’m not asking for pity or sorrow. I promise you that I am not. Each and every pound I gained was something that I did to myself, and I did it deliciously I might add. Sure, other factors played into my obesity - but mostly, I’m just someone who loves food and lots of it.

When I hear people talk about how I (or anyone else) chose the easy way out, it makes me so incensed because my day to day is not easy. My relationship with food is a battle. It’s always going to be a battle. I wish there were a simple way for me to explain to you why that is, but I can’t – mostly because I don’t know myself.

And when people call weight loss surgery the easy way out – I’m so surprised that it’s mostly other fat people. Being fat is such an integral part of who I am. It’s part of my identity, my personality - virtually every part of me and yet being fat is not everything that I am.

Having surgery is not about me rejecting my fat girl self. It is about trying to take back a part of my life (my health) that was in a really shitty place. I didn’t have surgery because I hated myself, I didn’t mutilate my body and I don’t regret my decision. But really, all of that is none of your business, and I say that with the least amount of smarminess possible. No one should have to legitimize these very personal decisions, least of all to someone who knows what kind of bias a fat person experiences on a daily basis.  It seems to me really, that the judgment never really ends.

I like to think that this beleaguered decision I’ve made, this HUGE thing that I’ve done was the right thing. It may not be right for the next person, but for me – it was. Ultimately I think everyone wants to feel that they belong somewhere. Whether you’re a hipster, a vegan or an unicyclist. Everyone has that very human, fundamental desire to belong to something.  Once a fat girl, always a fat girl – that is a motto that I believe in. It’s who I am and who I’ll always be and by and large I’m okay with that statement because I always tell people – I think that there are a lot worse things in life to be besides fat, but please know that it’s never easy. 

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D’angelo: Feel Like Makin’ Love - Oh R&B, I remember when you were so sexy and good. I loved you then. Oh D’angelo, I remember when you were so sexy and then you started to do crack (or whatever drug you do), I miss yoiu.

Rhymefest feat. Kanye West: Brand New - Kanye West is such a douchebag. He’s seriously the Justin Timberlake of Hip-Hop, and yet - I love the guy. I don’t know much about Rhymefest, but this song is great and it’s good for working out - if you’re into that kind of thing.

MGMT: Electric Feel - One of the questions I get asked a lot is where do I find music and the answer is everywhere. Up until early last week, I didn’t even know who MGMT were, and now I can’t stop seeing them everywhere. You all have my friend Emily to thank for this song because she is that awesome. Be warned though, it will make you want to get up and dance. Don’t say I didn’t tell you.

I waited until the last minute to decide on what to cook for dinner and once I did, I realized I would need to go to the store and frankly - today, not so much into that. so I went to my local CVS and they had it.Don’t freak out, it’s just apple juice y’all. THEN, I got my new cookbooks in the mail. Note to self: I’m going to have to take a picture of my cookbooks because it is slightly out of control and you probably wouldn’t believe me until I showed you. AND THEN, I got my new pin number for my debit card I lost last week and it is quite possibly - the best pin number known to man. Seriously - it is so good I want to share it with you, but I’m not that dumb internets. Oh, and THEN I bought tickets to the Rock The Bells Tour. I’m happy because my husband really wants to go but I am sad that two lawn tickets cost me more than one hundred dollars.

+ That I watch (and like) Keeping Up With The Kardashians. And I don’t care what anyone says, Khloe is my favorite Kardashian.
+ I love Elton John. For serious.
+ I have been in pajamas for 98% of the last 24 hours.
+ I have seen A Chorus Line at least 20 times. I maybe watched it last week, maybe.